Most people stall at the same point. The card is open, the pen is in hand, and every sentence that arrives sounds either too small or too much. So the card goes back on the counter, and two weeks later it is still there. That is the only outcome that does no good at all.
Below is the shape of a message that helps, the phrases that tend to land badly and why, and a long run of examples you can take apart and use. They are grouped by who died, then by the circumstances. Change the names. Cut any line that is not true for you. A borrowed sentence in your own handwriting is still a kindness.
If you only have five minutes
Write four short lines. Say you heard. Say their name. Say one true thing about them, and say what you are going to do. It looks like this.
Dear Anna, I was so sorry to hear about your mother. I keep thinking about how she never let anyone leave her house hungry. I am not going to ask you to call me. I will call on Sunday and you can pick up or not. With love, Kate
That is a complete and good sympathy card. Everything after this is for when you want more, or when the circumstances are harder than usual.
The shape of a message that helps
Say plainly that you heard
Open by acknowledging the death directly. This is the part people try to soften, and softening it is exactly what makes a card feel evasive. I was so sorry to hear about your father is enough. So is I heard about Michael this morning and I have not stopped thinking about you.
You can write died, or passed away, or lost. Choose the one you would actually say out loud to that person. If the family used a particular word in their own announcement, follow them.
Use the name of the person who died
This matters more than almost anything else in the card.
In the weeks after a death, people notice that everyone has quietly stopped saying the name, as if it were a hazard. Writing Michael instead of your loss tells the reader you are not going to be one of those people.
Say one specific, true thing
One concrete detail is worth ten sentences of general praise. He was a wonderful man is kind and forgettable. He is the only person who ever managed to teach me to reverse a trailer, and he did not laugh once hands a small piece of him back to the family, which is a thing they can keep.
If you did not know the person, make the specific thing about the living instead. How your friend spoke about her mother. How often he drove down on weekends. What she was like for a day or two after a visit.
Offer something you have already decided to do
The most common line in sympathy cards is let me know if you need anything, and it is almost never taken up. It hands a grieving person two jobs. Work out what you need, then ask a favor of somebody. Both are more than most people can manage in week one.
Say the thing you have already arranged instead. I will drop a lasagna over on Thursday and leave it on the step, no need to come to the door. I am taking the boys to practice on Saturday, I have told the coach already. I will call on Sunday evenings for a while. You never have to pick up.
Close simply, and ask for nothing
End without requiring a reply. Thinking of you all. With love. You are not alone in this. A card that needs answering is one more item on a list that is already very long.
What to avoid, and why
Silver linings
Anything beginning at least. At least she had a long life. At least he is not in pain. At least you had those last few months.
Every one of these is a correction. It tells the reader their grief is slightly out of proportion, and here is the arithmetic to prove it. The sentence may even be true. It is still not what a card is for.
Explanations
Everything happens for a reason. God needed another angel. It was his time. Each of these offers a tidy reason for something that does not feel reasonable, and can read as though the death has been filed and closed. Religious comfort can be enormously welcome, but only when you know it is shared. If you are certain of the family’s faith, write from inside it. If you are guessing, do not guess.
Claiming to know how they feel
I know exactly how you feel is meant as solidarity and often lands as competition. If you have been through something similar, say so briefly and turn it back to them. I lost my dad four years ago, so I have some idea of the fog you are in. I am not going to tell you what it was like for me unless you ever want to hear it.
Instructions about how to grieve
Stay strong. Be strong for the children. She would want you to be happy. Each one sets a standard the reader now has to meet, on top of everything else. Nobody needs a performance target in the first week.
Making the card about you
A line about how shocked you are is human and welcome. Three paragraphs about your own feelings quietly turns the reader into your comforter.
Any assessment of how they died
Avoid speculation, medical detail, or anything that reads as a verdict. Whether the illness was caught late. Whether anything could have been done. Whether it was, in the end, for the best. If the death was by suicide or by overdose, the same rule holds with more force. Say the name, say something true about the life, and leave the how entirely alone.
One thing not to worry about
People hold back because they are afraid of upsetting someone, or of reminding them. You cannot remind a person of something they have not stopped thinking about for a single hour. If your card makes them cry, it very likely also made them feel known. That is not damage.
Examples by relationship
These are meant to be pulled apart. Take a first line from one and a closing line from another, put the right name in, and cut whatever is not yours.
When someone has lost their mother
Dear Sarah, I was so sorry to hear about your mom. There is no version of this that is not enormous. I loved how she answered the phone, always as though you were the exact person she had been hoping would call. Thinking of you and your brother.
Rachel, I heard about your mother this morning. I keep coming back to the Christmas she taught me to make her stuffing and refused, absolutely refused, to write any of it down. I will call next week. If you would rather not talk, I will simply talk about the weather.
Dear Tom, I am so sorry about your mom. A mother is the first person who ever knew you, and losing her rearranges everything. Please do not write back to this. I am here for as long as it takes.
Priya, there is nothing useful I can say about your mother dying, so I will say the true thing instead. She was proud of you in a way that was almost embarrassing to witness, and she made sure everybody knew it. I am so sorry.
Dear Ellen, I only met your mother twice. Both times she asked me questions nobody else thinks to ask, and remembered the answers a year later. I can see where you get it from. I am so very sorry.
Michael, I am so sorry about your mom. I know what the last two years took out of you, looking after her. She was lucky in her son, and I hope somebody says that to you often over the coming months.
When someone has lost their father
Dear James, I was very sorry to hear about your dad. He was the first person I ever watched fix something rather than replace it, and I have thought about that a hundred times since. Thinking of you all this week.
Anna, I am so sorry about your father. He had that way of standing at the edge of a room being quietly, obviously delighted with his family. I will not forget it. Do not reply to this. I only wanted you to know I am thinking of you.
Dear Chris, the news about your dad knocked the wind out of me, and it is not even my loss, so I can only guess at your week. I am dropping a box of easy dinners over on Thursday and leaving it on the porch.
Hannah, I am so sorry. Your father talked about your work with the sort of pride that made strangers want to change the subject, and I loved him for it. Whatever you need, for however long, I am at the end of the phone.
Dear Sam, losing a father in your twenties is a particular kind of unfair, and I am sorry you are in it. I will keep asking how you are long after everyone else has stopped, so brace yourself for that.
David, I never met your dad, but I have listened to you talk about him for fifteen years and I feel as though I did. I am so sorry he is gone. Thinking of you and your mom.
When someone has lost a husband, wife, or partner
Dear Margaret, I am so sorry about John. Forty-one years is not a fact, it is a whole shared life, and I know how quiet the house must be. I will come by on Tuesday with lunch and stay only as long as you want me there.
Dear Paul, I heard about Ruth and I am so very sorry. The two of you had the sort of ordinary happiness that everybody else quietly envied. I am not going anywhere.
Nina, I do not have words equal to this. What I have is a car and a free Saturday, and I will use both on whatever needs doing. Forms, phone calls, the airport, sitting on the sofa saying nothing.
Dear Ben, I am so sorry about Marc. I keep thinking of the two of you dancing badly at our wedding, entirely unbothered by anyone watching. I hope that one reaches you at some point when you need it.
Dear Susan, losing Peter so soon after he retired feels particularly cruel. All those plans. I am so sorry. If it would help to have somebody read the mail and answer the phone for a week, I would like to be that person.
When someone has lost a child
There is no adequate card here and everybody knows it, the family included. Write anyway. What bereaved parents ask for, over and over, is that the child goes on being named and spoken of. Keep it short, use the name, and do not attempt consolation.
Dear Laura and Nick, there is nothing I can say that is any size at all next to this. I am so deeply sorry about Josie. I loved her enormous laugh and the way she narrated every game she played. I will say her name whenever you want to hear it.
Dear Emma, I am so sorry about Daniel. I will not pretend to understand it and I will not try to make it smaller. I am here, for years, not weeks.
Dear Rob and Katie, we are heartbroken about Alfie. He was a person, entirely himself, and we will always count him among your children. Sending love to all four of you.
Dear Fiona, I am so sorry about Grace. I know how long you waited for her, and how much of you is in the six years you had. Nothing at all is required of you. I will keep checking in and expect no answer.
If the child died before birth or shortly after, use the name if the family has given one, and never imply the loss was smaller for having come early.
When someone has lost a brother or sister
Dear Kate, I am so sorry about Joe. A sibling is the only person who remembers your childhood from the inside, and that is a very particular thing to lose. Thinking of you constantly.
Alex, I heard about your sister and I am so sorry. I remember you telling me she was the funny one and the brave one, and that you had spent your whole life trying to keep up. She sounded wonderful.
Dear Ruth, I am so sorry about Tom. I know a great deal of attention will go to your parents just now, and I wanted you to know I am thinking of you as well. Losing a brother is its own grief and it deserves its own room.
Dear Marcus, I am so sorry about Ellie. You two texted every single day. I have watched you do it for a decade. I cannot imagine the shape of the silence. I am here.
When someone has lost a grandparent
Dear Sophie, I was so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Ninety-four, and she still knew the name of every one of your friends, mine included. That is a rare kind of attention. Thinking of you.
Dear Owen, I am sorry about your granddad. I know he was a great deal more than a grandfather to you. He did the bulk of the raising, and there is no small word for that. Take whatever time you need.
Dear Isla, I am so sorry about your grandma. Her house was the safest place in the world for about nine of us, and I do not think she ever knew it. Sending love to you and your mom.
Dear Ravi, I am sorry to hear about your grandfather. A long life well lived is still a loss, and I hope nobody tells you otherwise this week.
When a friend has died, and you are writing to their family
This is the card families keep. It carries a part of the person they did not get to see.
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Carter, I was Jenny’s roommate in college and I am so sorry. She talked about home constantly, cooked your recipes badly, and called you every Sunday without fail, which almost nobody our age did. She was much loved here too.
Dear Helen, I worked alongside Dan for eleven years. I have never met anyone who made hard days lighter so easily, and he mentioned you in every conversation. I am so very sorry.
Dear Sanders family, Marcus was my closest friend for twenty years. If it would ever be welcome, I have a great many stories about him you may not have heard, and I would gladly write them down for you. There is no hurry and no obligation at all.
When you are writing to a colleague
Warm and brief, without claiming an intimacy you do not have. Say the practical thing clearly, because work is one of the few pressures a colleague can actually lift.
Dear Priya, I was very sorry to hear about your father. Please do not give work a second thought. The Hutchins account is covered and I will handle anything that comes in. Take the time you need.
Dear Mark, I am so sorry about your wife. Everyone here is thinking of you. There is no expectation about when you come back, and none that you answer this.
Dear Jo, I am sorry to hear your mother has died. I have moved Thursday’s review and told the client only that you are away. If you would rather people did not know the details, say the word and it stays with me.
Dear team, Simon’s mother died on Tuesday. He has asked that we keep things normal when he is back, so no speeches. A card is going around today and I know he would value a line from each of you.
Examples by situation
A sudden death
Shock is its own condition. Say plainly that there was no warning, keep the message short, and make any offer extremely concrete, because the practical load in the first two weeks is enormous.
Dear Nadia, I am reeling and it is not even my loss, so I cannot imagine your week. I am so sorry about Ali. I will be at the house on Saturday morning to answer the door and make tea for whoever turns up, and you do not have to speak to me at all.
Dear Greg, there was no warning and no chance to say anything, and I am so sorry. Nothing about this is fair. I will call on Sunday, and every Sunday after that.
Dear Claire, I heard about Dominic and I have now read this card back four times trying to make it adequate. It is not. I am so sorry. I loved him and I am holding all of you in mind.
After a long illness
Two things are usually true at once. Exhaustion, and grief. Avoid it was a blessing and at least the suffering is over, even when the family says so themselves. What often goes unsaid is how much the carer gave.
Dear Anne, I am so sorry about Robert. Three years is a long time to fight something, and a long time to be the one holding everything together. I hope somebody is looking after you now. I would like to be one of them.
Dear Simon, knowing it was coming does not seem to make the arrival any softer. I am so sorry about your mother. She was gracious right to the end, and so were you.
Dear Beth, I am so sorry about your dad. The last few months took so much out of all of you that I suspect grief and tiredness are hard to tell apart just now. Go slowly. I will keep checking in.
If you did not really know the person who died
Write about the living person instead. That is entirely legitimate, and often more comforting than praise from a stranger.
Dear Louise, I never met your mother, but I have known you for eight years and I have heard about her most weeks. The sewing, the terrible driving, the fact that she called at exactly seven every evening. She sounds like somebody worth missing. I am so sorry.
Dear Adam, I did not know your brother, so I will not pretend to. What I know is you, and I can see what this has taken out of you. I am so sorry, and I am here.
Dear Mrs. Okafor, I am one of Femi’s colleagues. I never had the chance to meet your husband, but Femi has spoken of him with such warmth that his absence is felt here too. Our sympathies to your whole family.
If you knew them very well
This is where being specific earns its keep. Write the thing only you saw. A family reading a hundred cards will remember the two that told them something new.
Dear Wendy, I have been trying to write down the version of Ian that I knew. He kept a spare pair of gloves in the van for anyone who turned up without any, and never once mentioned it. Twenty years of that. I am so sorry, and I loved him.
Dear Carol, your mother taught me to swim when I was six and terrified, standing in the shallow end saying the same sentence over and over until I believed it. I have used her sentence on my own children. She is in more lives than you can count.
Dear Nathan, Joe was the friend who turned up. Not the one who sent messages. The one who arrived at the door with the right thing. I am so sorry. I will try to be that for you now.
If you are writing weeks or months late
Late is not something to apologize for at length. The weeks after everybody else has stopped writing are usually the loneliest, so a late card often arrives at exactly the right time. Name the delay in one line, then carry on.
Dear Frances, I have started this card several times since March. I am sorry it is late, and I am so sorry about William. I imagine the house has gone quiet in a way it did not at first. I am still thinking of you.
Dear Ollie, it is six months since your dad died and I wanted you to know I have not stopped noticing. Nobody asks by now, so I am asking. How are you, really. No need to answer quickly.
If you are writing on behalf of a group
Dear Mrs. Reid, on behalf of everyone at the club, I am so sorry about Alan. He ran the Thursday session for nineteen years and half of us learned the game from him. We would like to put his name on the Thursday trophy, if that is all right with you.
Dear Whitmore family, all of us in the department send our sympathies. Kevin was well liked here and better known than he probably realized. We are keeping his desk plant going, which he would find very funny.
The practical questions
How long should it be
Three or four sentences is plenty. Longer is fine if you knew the person well and have something to tell the family that they may not know. Length is never what makes a card good.
Should I handwrite it
If you can, yes. Not for elegance, but because a handwritten card is obviously not a form. If your handwriting is genuinely hard to read, type it and sign your name by hand. A typed card that gets sent beats a handwritten one that does not.
How do I sign off
Match the closeness you actually have. With love for family and close friends. Thinking of you for friends. With deepest sympathy or With our sympathies for colleagues, neighbors, and anyone more formal.
Add your surname if there is any chance the family will not place you, and say how you knew the person. Kate Ellis, from the Tuesday choir.
Should I mention donations or money
If the family has named a charity, saying you have given to it is welcome and needs only a line. Do not name the amount. Do not enclose cash unless you know the household is in real difficulty and you can make it plainly practical instead, a grocery card, or paying a specific bill you have offered to cover.
What if I write the wrong thing
Almost nobody remembers a clumsy sentence. Nearly everybody remembers who wrote and who did not. If you realize afterwards that a line was ill judged, a short follow-up settles it completely. I have thought since that what I wrote was clumsy, and I am sorry.
What about the small card attached to flowers
One line, since it will be read standing up in a crowded room, and sign it clearly. With love and deepest sympathy, the Hardy family. For Michael, who taught half this village to drive. From all at Fenn Lane. Thinking of you all today. Sarah, Tom, and the children.
Card, letter, or something else
A card is right in the first two weeks. A longer letter, written once you have had time to gather your memories of the person, often means more, and is worth sending separately, weeks later, when the mail has stopped coming.
Sometimes what you find yourself writing is not a note to the bereaved at all. It is a portrait of the person who died. If that is where you have ended up, our notes on writing about somebody from real memories may help, and there is more on when a thing sent later lands best.
One last thing
The cards families keep are almost never the eloquent ones. They are the ones that said the name, told them something they did not already know, and then turned up again in month three.
If you are choosing between something imperfect today and something better later, send the imperfect one. Then write again later as well.